In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want online without paying. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Original:
There is a tendency for people to switch from physical books and newspapers to electronic ones and in the future when they have an opportunity to read everything online without paying, printed publications will no more be in demand. I strongly agree with this point of view and will therefore provide relevant arguements supporting my position.
To begin with, the trend towards online reading has been growing rapidly the last decade for some reasons. Firstly, everyone now has a smartphone or a computer and it makes reading process more easier and accessible. News arrives from different part of the world every minute and people do not have to wait until the next day to find out. Secondly, newspaper companies, knowing their future revenue is online, invest plenty of money on their websites to develop and improve it and to make it attractive for the users.
Another reason supporting my view is ecological problems, caused by deforestation. Nowdays humanity tries to take care of the planet and reduce the use vital resources as trees. For example, yearly consumption of paper for books and newspapers, which are disposable, reaches more than 100 million tons, which is 720 trees, which play an important role maintaining daily life, giving oxygen and reducing pollution. In addition deforestation leads to violation of the water cycle, where trees are the main participants, and climate changes. According to this, the less physical publications are produced, the healthier environment will be.
On the whole, I firmly believe that digital resources will outweight the printed ones, when people understand their advantages and contribution to the nature.
Corrected:
There is a tendency for people to switch from physical books and newspapers to electronic ones**,** and in the future**,** when they have an opportunity to read everything online without paying, printed publications will no more → longer be in demand. I strongly agree with this point of view and will therefore provide relevant arguements → arguments supporting my position.
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Во введении осуществлено грамотное перефразирование. В целом, смысл и контекст соответствуют теме в задании. Стоит поработать над thesis statement — предложении, в котором ты выражаешь свое мнение: “ I strongly agree with this point of view and will therefore provide relevant arguements → arguments supporting my position.” Оно шаблонно, и в нем нет контекста или уточнения. Например, не указано, какие аргументы ты раскроешь (можно было бы кратко упомянуть — удобство, экология и др.)
Для проверки себя можно руководствоваться правилом: если твой тезис можно использовать и для других заданий, даже если тема совершенно иная — скорее всего, этот тезис шаблонный. Если ты стремишься к баллу >6.0, лучше такие тезисы избегать.
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To begin with, the trend towards online reading has been growing rapidly over the last decade for some → a number of reasons. Firstly, everyone now has a smartphone or a computer**,** and it makes the reading process more easier and more accessible. News arrives from different parts** of the world every minute → instantaneously and people do not have to wait until the next day to find something out. Secondly, newspaper companies, knowing their future revenue is online, invest plenty of money on → in their websites to develop and improve it → them and to make it → them attractive for the users.
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Аргумент логичный: технологии → удобство → падение спроса на печатные издания. Есть уточнения, примеры, структура. Стоит поработать над некоторыми формулировками, потому что они звучат слишком общо: “everyone has a smartphone” — не совсем верно, требует оговорки или уточнения. Последнее предложение требует пояснения. Почему инвестиции компаний в сайты заставляют людей отказаться от печатных изданий? Этот аспект нужно раскрыть подробнее.
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Another reason supporting my view is ecological problems~~,~~ caused by deforestation. Nowdays → nowadays humanity tries to take care of the planet and reduce the use of vital resources such as trees. For example, yearly consumption of paper for books and newspapers, which are disposable, reaches more than 100 million tons, which is 720 trees, which play an important role in maintaining daily life, giving oxygen and reducing pollution. In addition**,** deforestation leads to violation → a disruption of the water cycle, where trees are the main participants, and climate changes → climate change. According to this → Due to this fact, the less → fewer physical publications are produced, the healthier the environment will be.
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В этом абзаце присутствует оригинальный и релевантный аргумент (экология) — он добавляет разнообразие. Тем не менее, то, что печатные материалы вредят экологии — это веский аргумент против их производства, но он не совсем объясняет, почему люди перестанут покупать такие материалы.
Все аргументы из 2 body paragraphs — логичные доводы, но они не раскрывают идею "for free". Эксперт может подумать, что речь идёт просто о digital альтернативах, а не о бесплатном доступе как решающем факторе — теряется важная смысловая часть задания. Важно упомянуть, как доступ к бесплатному контенту формирует привычку не платить.
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On the whole, I firmly believe that the benefits of digital resources will outweight → outweigh the advantages of printed ones~~,~~ **when people understand their advantages → importance and contribution to the nature.
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Заключение неплохо подводит итог аргумента из body paragraph 2, но не упоминает аргумент про accessibility из body paragraph 1. Более того, создается впечатление, что эссе сфокусировано на плюсах электронных и печатных ресурсов, а не на утверждении, что люди перестанут использовать printed newspapers or books. Это негативно влияет на балл по Task Response.
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Estimated Score: 6.5
The main parts of the prompt are addressed (though some may be more fully covered than others). An appropriate format is used. A position is presented that is directly relevant to the prompt, although the conclusions drawn may be unclear, unjustified or repetitive. Main ideas are relevant, but some may be insufficiently developed or may lack clarity, while some supporting arguments and evidence may be less relevant or inadequate.
Information and ideas are logically organised, and there is a clear progression throughout the response. (A few lapses may occur, but these are minor.) A range of cohesive devices including reference and substitution is used flexibly but with some inaccuracies or some over/under use. Paragraphing is generally used effectively to support overall coherence, and the sequencing of ideas within a paragraph is generally logical.